Post 9: How to be Bad at Getting Money for your, uh, Certain Set of Skills

This is the second in a 3 part series:

Your, Uh, Personality (NSFW) ~Your, Uh, Certain Set of Skills ~ Your, Uh, Salesperson Skills

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know why I’ve been hired, but, you are the weakest link. DiE DIE dIE!!!

This entire thing is fiction. Especially the illegal stuff. But, like, all of it. Fiction af.

Assassin’s Creed, Dungeons and Dragons, Skyrim, etc.: There are several reasons for a geek to think becoming an assassin is a good idea.

And, as all the movies prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, assassins make good money. Everyone also knows that all you need to do to master a skill is be a totally unskilled person training for like a week in a montage with decent inspirational music in the background: Arrow, The Karate Kid series, Rocky, Mulan, etc.

An assassin’s best tools are the ones you can find anywhere. Kitchen knives, crow bars, mallets, 2x4s, ballpoint pens, a bag of chips, a screwdriver, cake mix, a folding chair, cucumbers, a wire, a bottle of water, gum, and last, but not least, a poor internet connection. Or, a series of terrible puns.

Disguises are also very important. You can’t afford to get caught, just imagine how expensive the bail would be – totally ruins the point of getting paid. So, costumes. Every assassin should have at least 4 good disguises in their arsenal. Forget fake identities – all you need are costumes. After Halloween, many of the temporary Halloween stores put their things on clearance – which is great for the assassin on a budget. So here’s your shopping list:

  • Fake Blood: when you kill someone, they’ll probably be bleeding, so you should use fake blood to make it look like you’re bleeding too and throw suspicion off of yourself.
  • A werewolf mask: No one will question a murder if a real live werewolf did it! (Skyrim tested and Skyrim approved)
  • A cowboy or cowgirl costume (I’d say cowperson but that sounds like some sort of werecow situation, and costume makers aren’t very woke, so you’ll likely only find male or female versions of costumes.): As a perfectly disguised cowperson (see, that really doesn’t work at all), when you successfully send someone to an early grave, everyone will believe you when you tell them that a wild bull did it. You, after all, are the expert.
  • A fake skeleton: Distract people from the real death with the very realistic-looking toy skeleton and loudly proclaim “THIS IS TERRIBLE BECAUSE THIS PERSON WHO I SWEAR WAS RIGHT HERE TURNED INTO BONES RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!!”
  • A super hero costume: No one could possibly suspect a super hero of being an assassin. It simply isn’t done.
  • A fog machine: For escaping. DUHH.
  • A strobe light: For cool movie effects when you feel like doing that sort of thing.
  • Spider webbing: Dual purpose: You can tie up the target AND use it to swing from high-rise buildings to escape.
  • A grim reaper costume: No one will question what you’re doing, since it’s obvious that you’re just doing your job. Bonus: you can use the toy scythe as a murder weapon. Probably. Seems legit.
  • And, finally, you’ll need a set of fairy wings, which has nothing to do with being an assassin, but are great for having fun afterward.

Confidence is 70% of being a pro assassin. As long as you look your target in the eye and say “I am going to kill you,” they will accept their fate and allow you to do so. If you are struggling with your confidence, simply watch a cat on the hunt. Their focus, grace, and determination are great inspiration. Ideally find an alley cat, a cool cat who knows where it’s at, the prey that is, and watch them carefully.

Bring a boombox so you can blast your chosen theme song while committing the murder. I highly suggest “Another One Bites the Dust” on repeat for 20 minutes. It will also cover the sounds of screams. Subtle af.

If you aren’t a violent person, literally kill your target with kindness. Guaranteed to work. 100% of the time. I’m pretty sure. I haven’t tried it, though.

And, finally, never forget your towel. It’s great for cleaning up blood and wiping the sweat off your brow.

Tweet me @PandoraCray!

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