Post 5: How to be a Crazy Cat Lady

The crazy cat lady stereotype is supposed to be a bad thing, but I just don’t see it.

By “crazy cat lady” I mean a person of any gender who is okay with being referred to by the term (I do know some men who have referred to themselves as a crazy cat lady, but “crazy cat [bro, gentleman, dude, person, man, etc.]” are just as good), and who loves cats so very much that they are seen by outsiders as being at least somewhat obsessed.

I do not, however, mean a demented and terrifying mutated cat-like monster wearing Victorian clothing in the style of a person with the courtly title of “Lady.” That would be weird. I have no idea why you were thinking of that. Stahp.

Step 1: Realize that cats are awesome.

They are. You may or may not agree with me, but it is okay to be wrong. If you don’t think cats are, in fact, the best, you may not be crazy cat lady material.

Step 2: Find your crazy.

Steps 1 and 2 are interchangeable chronologically.

Not all of us are non-neurotypical. It is okay if you aren’t literally crazy. It isn’t mandatory to be clinically brain-wonky. I happen to be bipolar, but it isn’t necessary.

If you don’t have an official or unofficial diagnosis, a simple obsession works well enough.

Step 3: Hone your crazy.

Because cats are the best, and you, oh faithful crazy cat lady in-training, are at least obsessed with them, you must zero in on exactly what variant of crazy cat lady you both desire to be and are capable of being. Not everyone has a house they can dedicate to cats. Pet deposits for apartments are expensive. If you are renting a room, then you are at the mercy of whomever is renting it to you. But, fear not! You can be a crazy cat lady regardless of your living situation!

I began honing my crazy by stalking the cats in my neighborhood, attempting to lure them to me. It didn’t work, but it did make me realize that I needed to get my own cat, and sooner than I had planned for.

Step 4: Get Cats ≥ 1

Easier said than done. For the aforementioned reasons above, this step may not be a simple one. But, where there is a crazy cat lady, there is a way. I’m pretty sure that’s how that saying goes. If you are unable to commit to a forever cat (I do not condone giving up a pet because you made a commitment you couldn’t keep), then you can volunteer at a shelter, work at a cat cafe, work at a pet store, become friends with someone who has at least one cat, feed your local strays, etc. and so forth.

Step 5: Purchase and Create Cat Paraphernalia

I mean, you may be a crazy cat lady, but you can’t truly rise to the label if no one knows about your feline obsession! Cat jewelry. Cat clothing. Cat office supplies. Cat pictures/gifs/videos on your phone, your background, your lock screen, your social media sites. Cat home decor. Cat plushies. Cat kitchen utensils. Rock the cat aesthetic, so the world knows and fears you for the crazy cat lady you have come to be.

Step 6: Make Sure that your Last Will & Testament includes your Cats

I wholly assume that my cats will eat my corpse when I inevitably die at home after clumsily tripping and cracking my head open. But, what about after? Well, you should make sure that they have a home, some belongings. You could leave your entire wealth to them, support them with life insurance. Generally, just make sure they’re taken care of. Losing you is going to be difficult for them, so make sure the transition is as smooth as possible.

Step 7: Enjoy your Cat-Laden Lifestyle

Nuzzle them when you get home. Care for them. Love them. Cuddle them. Feed them. Keep them healthy. Realize that you will never be their superior. Live to serve. Be grateful to be allowed in the presence of the gods.

That’s it. 7 easy steps to becoming a crazy cat lady. Good luck, and have fun!

Tweet me @PandoraCray!

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